Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
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Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Nice try, NASA
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.