You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
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I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
an octopus is just a wet spider
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back