Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
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LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
No regrets in 2018
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
This headline is a thing of beauty
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you