Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
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It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
whenever i wake up before my alarm
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.