[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
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Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest