My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
You Might Also Like
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?