I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
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james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.