thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
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Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
brian had himself a morning…
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful