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Money is the root of all wealth
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Yup.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?