a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
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*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
got so much cardio in today
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.