What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
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Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.