Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
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*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today