*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
You Might Also Like
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
A short story about romance.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
seems fine
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
listen closely
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”