The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
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The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.