Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
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Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party