My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
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me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t