what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
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My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
What the hell happened here.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.