so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
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I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.