shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
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HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material