Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
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Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
We decided to have money instead of children.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*