Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
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[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
never forget
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.