*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
You Might Also Like
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…