Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
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My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Beware of the “party goblin”…
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
never forget
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go