I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
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The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her