I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
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how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
*mops up wine with cat*
somebody come look at this
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick