My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
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6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
yeah 😭
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.