i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
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REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
E
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.