Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
You Might Also Like
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.