ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
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Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Good morning, Twitter 😊
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.