At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
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saw this in a dream
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
WTF
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.