Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
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They did not think through this water fountain
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Breaking news:
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.