I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
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You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.