I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
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Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
don’t we all
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Single and childfree like Jesus