rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
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I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re