I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
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Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
The real reason evolution started..😂
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.