Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
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Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Well, my evening plans are ruined
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.