What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
You Might Also Like
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
my dad has had enough
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct