Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
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You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.