Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
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HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Are we there yet?…
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.