Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
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Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
You deplete me
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Okey dokey.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or