My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
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I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.