3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
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I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]