I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
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“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I would like even faster food.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
philosophical skeletons be like
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude