Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
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I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
This is no longer winter this is harassment
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?