Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
You Might Also Like
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”