A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
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Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared