So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
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I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
nobody’s gonna understand
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
The honesty is refreshing
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”