Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
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My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
sigh
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire