4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
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god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
i spent way too long on this
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?