An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
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Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
PLOT TWIST:
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?